I'm really wondering whether this is a good idea or not. Feeling the need to get some of my anxiety out and figure the only way is to do it anonymously. I don't care if anyone ever finds this - in fact i think i would prefer it if nobody ever did. This is the equivalent to a secret diary i guess, i just want it truly hidden. I don't want to have to explain anything i include if anyone should ever find it, i guess the safest way to do so was to do it online and not tell anyone.
I have an overwhelming need to escape from my life, i don't mean in a drastic way i just mean to make some huge changes. I feel so stifled in my life, i'm 24 and i have somehow managed to tie myself down to one place and one person and i'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Right now i wish i could walk out the door and disappear for a while and find out who i am, i don't know who i am anymore. I feel like i'm wearing a public mask but its becoming increasingly hard to keep it in place. The last few months have been tough, i don't know where it came from to start with. But everyday i am thinking about it and what i should do to feel better, if i'm thinking about it so much surely that means it isn't right? But what if i'm just having a weird phase in my life and i make a decision i live to regret. The last few weeks have been the hardest, i feel like i am holding all my emotions in and the slightest excuse for them to bubble over and they do. I have fortunately been able to let it happen with excuses around or if i've been on my own. I feel like my feelings are so close to crunch and i'm scared, scared about not changing and scared about changing.
My husband on paper couldn't be better, he tells me i'm beautiful and that he loves me he truly puts me first but it still isn't enough to make me happy. I know people will think i am spoilt for being so ungrateful and i have what a lot of people wish for but I feel smothered by his attention and i know i am pushing him away, so far he just asks me what's wrong and i just say nothing i'm fine or make some pathetic excuse. I am almost seeing how i far i can push, its so frustrating that i know i m being awful to him but he just takes it, i want him to be fed up with me and tell me i'm being unreasonable but it just doesn't happen. I am somehow trying to destroy this, all because i'm too much of a coward to call it quits with no apparent reason. Who can walk away from a marriage with no real reason other than its too much. It's such a cliche but it's not him its me, well i think that's the case anyway. I really don't want to hurt him but i don't know if i can carry on anymore. Part of me thinks i made my bed so i have to lie in it but what a waste of my life, if i don't do anything the numbness will just get worse and worse. And it isn't just about my happiness, i can't possibly make him happy in anyway while i feel so numb. If i hang on what if i get years down the line and its still the same i will have just wasted so much of my life and his life. I didn't intend when i agreed to get married for it not to be forever - although i think i was realistic about it - i certainly didn't expect for me to me thinking it is over after less than 3 years.
Today is the closest i have felt to acting on my feelings, it feels so good to be expressing myself. The anxiety has reduced already, maybe it will be back once i finish typing who knows. I have one friend who knows how i've been feeling which is a huge help but mostly i'm dealing on my own. I'm thinking of talking to my mum, i don't know how much it will help. I'm half expecting the 'but he loves you so much' response, which i could really do without.
Sorry this has been so jumpy, its just the way my thoughts are flowing at the moment. Maybe i'll be back again with more later.
x
